I realized that today while playing Scrabble with Sunshine. I kept making 5 and 6 letter words yet she was still managing to rack up more points. All I could think was, "I have a B.A. in English from USC and I'm losing a game of Scrabble to someone who didn't even speak the language until she was 14 years old," a egoic thought that ultimately ruined a friendly game because I started bitching after every turn.
It reminded me of the way I had so often acted when our soccer team was on the receiving end of an ass-kicking: talking shit, taking cheap shots, and insulting the referee who showed me a much deserved red card. Basically, being a total jerk with no regard for good sportsmanship.
Then I remembered the time I got ejected from a summer baseball game for telling the umpire, "You suck," after he called strike three on a pitch I felt was clearly outside. I even challenged him to a fight as my coach, who happened to be a minister, politely ushered me off the field. The umpire and I were classmates who had butted heads in the past, which may have influenced the call, but that does little to excuse my behavior. I'm just glad my mom wasn't at the game that day.
I can be pretty unpleasant to be around when I bust out of a poker tournament too, cursing at the computer as if my opponents could actually hear what I was saying. A couple of times I have gone as far as flinging an insult over the chat box. Doyle Brunson was right on the money in Super System when he wrote...
"If you wanted to use poker just for a test of character, solely to learn about the men you'll have to deal with away from the poker table, it would be a telling test."
...and one I have failed on several occasions.
Ironically enough, I tend to think of myself as a pretty nice guy, and anyone who knows me would most likely tell you the same thing. Nonetheless, these childish outbursts have understandably put a strain on my relationship with Sunshine and represent an aspect of my personality in dire need of self-examination.
Why do I act this way?
The answer itself is simple (ego) but the implications are far more complex. For the sake of simplicity, let's look to Buddhist philosophy rather than expound upon the ideas of guilt and separation at a metaphysical level (I'll save that for another post).
The second of Buddhism's Four Noble Truths states that, "The origin of suffering is attachment," which makes complete sense. People get upset when their house catches fire because they're attached to the material possessions burning up inside. Sadness often accompanies break-ups because one, or both, partners are attached to the other person. The same concept holds true for losing a loved one.
I get upset when I lose because I'm attached to winning.
Like most people, I'm also attached to money. I want to live a comfortable life with the means to support my family and the freedom to do the things that make me happy (or more accurately, bring about the illusion of happiness, but that too is a topic for another day), such as travelling and eating at nice restaurants. Money can make my dreams a reality and success at the poker table can generate the necessary capital.
So every time I lose money playing poker, it serves as a brutal reminder of all the things I don't yet have and I suffer, but as soon as I let go of these attachments, I'll no longer have a reason to be upset. Easier said than done, I'll admit; fortunately, I have the wisdom of Star Wars to aide me in my journey...
YODA: Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.
ANAKIN: What must I do, Master Yoda?
YODA: Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.
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